SPESS MEHREENS!

Oh, wow, I just found someone who did read Caliphate and did a summary, and it’s a doozy:

Right, I’ve read Caliphate, thought I’d relate some of it, because its really funny.

Spoilers ahead, obviously.

America is hit with half a dozen nuclear warheads, some from Nork sources, some from Pakistan, some old Russian ones. The united Kingdom takes one in London.

Both countries goverments are either decapitated, or severely compromised, millions dead, and more to come.

We are given the perspective of an awesomely stupid character, a german “artist” who regularly protests against American interference in other countries affairs, its warmongering etc etc. Basically a character with little or no redeeming features, whose every thought is achingly stupid. Shes gets hot for a Muslim who throughout the book becomes more and more disillusioned with Islam, eventually converting to Christianity and joining team america.

The convert leaves for america, unknowingly fathering a child on Petra, the grandmother of the Petra who is sold into slavery. The timeline jumps twixt “present day” and the early years of this century.

This Petra joins pre-emptive protests against American retaliation, expecting a massive military onslaught in revenge.

In a rather unlikely twist, the exact opposite happens. A policy of utter appeasement is adopted, and the american goverment bends over and spreads for “Islam” The hunt for Bin Laden is abandoned, american troops withdraw from everywhere, Moslem (note spelling) immigration is permitted on a massive scale , Israel is abandoned, etc etc. Basically the worst nightmare of any America loving patriot.

This then causes a massive backlash, and some bloke starts a shiny new party that basically operates on “getting motherfucking revenge”.

This is a massive success, and sweeps the nation, and the two existing parties become minorities.

The “history” is related in segments, taken from the book of the dark times, which are outright stated to be a result of lax political decisions taken “now”.

Basically, the new Yankee goverment gives an ultimatum to Islam, and this causes a massive evacuation, which tails off when “they” begin to believe its just a bluff. On september 11, 2019, America nukes 10 Islamic cities for every nuke attack on their soil, erases Mecca and Medina with massive overkill strikes etc.

At some point, Israel is eradicated, and in the modern world of the Caliphate, Jews are remembered only as mythical devils that the Koran warns against.

The EU and Canada sever ties with America in protest, absorbing millions of refugees from the blasted wastelands of the Middle east etc.

America occupies the oil rich regions of the world that have suddenly become vacant, and sucks them dry, leaving once it has become self-sufficient, incidentally nuking the middle east again when they leave.

As things progress, Russia becomes a Tsar ruled dictatorship, the PRC becomes the Celestial Han Kingdom, Japan becomes even more friendly with america, IIRC actually part of the American empire.

The United Kingdom is ruled by what appears to be a massively re-empowered Monarchy, in a similar fashion to America. (the “bloke” becomes President for Life) It is the first country to begin purging its population of Muslims after America starts, bypassing internment camps and moving straight along to physically dumping them on the shores of France by the hundreds of thousands.

American political reforms are aided by executive pardons of those who murder “liberal” judges and politicians, and this is used as a threat by the American premier in a national address.

Japan, Russia, China-Australia (not a typo) all purge their populations, killing, enslaving or ejecting their Muslim citizens. Canada and the EU are exceptions, allowing massive immigration of refugees.

The remnants of the middle east and other related regions become the Caliphate of Islam, Triumphant, and aided by their liberal nuking and occupation, plus massive exodus of population, these regions are basically crap incarnate.

Europe becomes known as the Caliphate of something something, and is a society maintained by a Dhimmis caste known as Narzani or something, since the Muslims think Allah wills everything, so don’t do any work, maintain anything or whatever. Young men are recruited into the Jannissaries and indoctrinated, young attractive female children become slaves and so forth. The Dhimmis are forced to live in trash filled hellholes because of the requirement that no muslim be less well off than them. Everyone is “born” a muslim, but some are apostates”.

Canada is invaded by america due to its vast swarms of immigrants launching attacks on America, at the third assault, America decides to secure its northern borders and conquers Canada. The United Kingdom doesn’t care, because its busy eliminating Muslims and…stuff.

America then cows the Latin American nations, various islands and crap, usually with their nutcase President waving his nuclear balls in lieu of diplomacy. Comrade Chavez gets too big for his boots and America has a new state/protectorate(second class of course)

The actual “story” beyond all this, is that America is about to commence a Reconquista of Europe, and the Caliphate knows it can’t stop it.

So it decides to destroy the world with a viral plague! To do so, it recruits…….

CANADIANS!

3 Canadian Doom-Mongers of Science are lured to the Caliphate by their desire to strike back against america, money, and easy access to the bottoms of young boys and underage girls.

Thats right, these french speaking CANADIANS not only hate america and are willing to destroy the world, but they are also disgusting,fat, ugly paedophile deviants…who like anal sex.

They intend to perform their evil CANADIAN ritual of Science in a converted castle near the border of the Neutral land of Swiss People. The castle is also used house people who provide Sex for priviliged members of society, including the Jannissaries.

Brave american hero infiltrates, motivated to do so when his Hot Blonde Lover dies by calling down a FAE strike on herself while Americans were clearing the Phillipenes for Christian resettlement. She was about to be raped, but the strike hit first.

He infiltrates, along with Token black guy. Meets up with a Celestial Kingdom Operative, a genetically engineered Hot Asian Chick Lesbian who regularly has sex with Petra, who is now a seventeen year old Hot Nordic Aryan Fucktoy, she wears a crucifix because Muslims like to fuck christian women.

Petras bro turns up, and he’s a secret Christian, he fucks Asian Lesbian chick true love blah blah, secret plot, airship, HERO.

BOOOM fire!!

Heroes escape, but Hans, Secret Christian has to stay behind, He screams DEUS VULT when he charges into combat!

Hot Nordic sex in Neutral land, Hot Lesbian chick hooks up with Hot swiss fighter pilot. etc etc.

I’m not sure whether “BLAME CANADA” or ” AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!” is most appropriate.

I forgot to address the situation in Africa.

No, don’t click the X, this is awesome.

Africa is back under white rule, the MOSLEMS have been more or less eradicated, except for where they have been pacified…..

By Zulu’s

With Assegai.

Ze Boers are back in control, and made a deal with the Zulu nation, offering them a chunk of land to found THE ZULU NATION OF ZULU WARRIORS WITH SPEARS in exchange for ruthlessly harrowing the Moslems of Africa.

Africa is now run efficiently, and Slavery has been reinstituted (Russia uses its Moslem minority for brute, slave labour on agricultural projects) Africa apparently does some slave trading etc.

The Moslems are so feared of the Dreaded Zulu, that they are completely pacified.

Young children and adults who dissent in the American Empire (its actual name_) are reeducated to conform to proper christian values.

Basically, it operates as described, except that the dreaded Moslems hunger so for young christian flesh, that any attractive female is a reason for the Tax to rise, and she is auctioned off to pay the tax.

The Jannissary corp is used because Moslem young men literally cannot be trained to fight, because they are indoctrinated with the concept that “allah prevails” so will not learn to shoot properly or maintain their weaponry. But Christian men are born into a different ethos.

By the by, the European clergy helps maintain the status quo, with the Moslem Overlords allowing strict religious enforcement of Christian religious law within certain limits, allowing the European clergy to maintain a degree of power.

Except for one priest, who gets crucified by Soon to Be Secret Christian Hans and his buddies, but preaches from the cross, finally gnawing free his crucifix and giving it to Hans before expiring.

When the mindnumbling slow net connection ate my “points of interest” post, I missed out a little tit-bit on the EVIL MOSLEMS.I’m not sure if it was meant to drive home how evil the Moslems are, or how the Chinese are still evil despite working with Team America.Anyway, if the various “houri’s” don’t co-operate, they get moved downstairs to where an AI/central computer/expert system is installed, using imported Chinese technology. Chips are implanted into the women, apparently doing some form of limited lobotomy, and they become blank faced, remote controlled fuck machines.

Thanks Tom. :wtf:

OMFG that’s SO infinitely worse than I had thought it could possibly be. I’ve had moments all day long today where I just stop and think “Zulus. With spears.” and just have to laugh at the sheer incompetence of it all.
PLUS! Same forum I got that review from has a LONG “Let’s Read” thread dealing with another Kratman book, A Desert Called Peace, and, well, here’s the summary from the thread author:
We’ll have Space Al Qaeda performing a Space 9/11 on the Space USA who invades Space Afghanistan and Space Iraq with the help of a Space Coalition of the Willing including Space Britain!
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg off how blatant it is, it does indeed get worse!
No, that’s not an overstatement – it’s amazingly bad, to a point where 22nd Century Zulus with assegais (and presumably loincloths and cow-hide shields, because reasons) sound plausible.
Quick example: the 9/11 attack in ADCP is done by Muslims flying a blimp into a skyscraper.
A blimp.
Into a skyscraper.
*headdesk* *headdesk*
And it only goes downhill from there.
I think I’ll be avoiding anything by Mr. Tom. Hess his blart (and his ammonia!)
(Kudos to the folks at the Space Battles forum, particularly white_rabbit who did Caliphate and Athene who did ADCP, You’re braver folks than I.)
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