Getcher boomstick ready

OMG OMG OMG you people it’s finally happening!

The zombie outbreak is here!

News of an imminent zombie invasion in Liberia is perhaps the most audacious fake news story on the Internet right now, creating panic among thousands of gullible readers who are taking it seriously on social media message boards, repeating the rumor among friends, and getting a bit hysterical about the spread of ebola in Dallas, TX.

The right-wing mock news site, Big American News, broke the fake story to its readers on September 30. Since then, the link to the article has been tweeted nearly 1,000 times and shared by more than 500,000 Facebook users.

I mean, hell, we’ve got people running around this country who still think Obama’s a gay Muslim terrorist, who think the British royals are shape-shifting reptiles, who think the 9/11 attacks were done with mini-nukes and holographic planes, and who eat liver pudding. We should be surprised anymore?

While Big American News may be a mock-news source, its sources are not kidding around. Big American News got the story from the popular African news site, AllAfrica.com, which aggregated the ebola zombie story from a Liberian newspaper called New Dawn.

The original story on New Dawn claims:

Two Ebola patients, who died of the virus in separate communities in Nimba County have reportedly resurrected in the county. The victims, both females, believed to be in their 60s and 40s respectively, died of the Ebola virus recently in Hope Village Community and the Catholic Community in Ganta, Nimba.

But to the amazement of residents and onlookers on Monday, the deceased reportedly regained life in total disbelief. The NewDawn Nimba County correspondent said the late Dorris Quoi of Hope Village Community and the second victim only identified as Ma Kebeh, said to be in her late 60s, were about to be taken for burial when they resurrected.

Hopefully FAUX will pick up on this important story soon before it gets too serious.  After all, with the GOP House, and the staffs of Townhall, WorldNetDaily and National Review Online, we’ve got a whole cadre of zombie-immune warriors suitable for the front lines of World War Derp.

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He’s joking, right?

Or maybe it’s something from one of the twelve-year-olds who play his games; I mean, this couldn’t possibly be something that a mature adult could suggest:

The former director of the “Call of Duty” video game franchise suggested stationing soldiers in U.S. schools.

“The threat now, the invasion, comes from within,” said Dave Anthony, the former video game developer and a current international security fellow at the Atlantic Council.

Anthony made the remarks Wednesday at the nonpartisan Washington think tank, arguing that military personnel could function like air marshals on commercial flights, reported Bloomberg Business Week.

So… why, with the military powering up schools the same way they’ve done with police departments, do we evidently need fecking ARMED GUARDS in schools?

Three guesses, and the first two don’t count:

The website reported that Anthony’s speech was accompanied by videos depicting future threats such as a U.S. drone hacked by Iran or a hotel massacre in Las Vegas, and he warned of the domestic threat posed by Islamic State militants.

“It could be that you have 100 of these guys who may be on our soil right now, who may even be U.S. citizens, who could legally walk into whatever gun store they choose, buy some assault rifles, and start attacking soft targets,” Anthony said.

DAMN, good thing the NRA has kept us from regulating assault rifles in any useful way or requiring universal background checks. But, then again, I suppose those ISIS commandos (who may or may not be here, it could be, WHO KNOWS!?) could always, um, JUST STEAL THE GODDAMN ASSAULT RIFLES THE PENTAGON GAVE THE SCHOOLS. *headdesk* *headdesk*

Or maybe werewolves! Maybe ISIS has found out how to make werewolves! Better make sure those “school marshals” have silver bullets, just in case! WHO KNOWS, IT COULD BE!!!11

He conceded the public would object to his plan as “a police state,” but he urged policy makers to sell school soldiers the same way corporations and creative artists sell other unpopular ideas.

Oh, no, no way would we assume some crackpot idea to put goddamn ARMED SOLDIERS in schools could possibly be “a police state”, naaaaaawwww, but, hey, what’s this wonderful idea you have to deal with that misconception, Mr. Anthony?

“When we have a new product that has elements that we’re not sure how people will respond to, what do we do as a corporation?” Anthony said. “We market it, and we market it as much as we can, so that whether people like it or not, we do all the things we can to essentially brainwash people into liking it before it actually comes out.”

BRILLIANT! Brilliant, Mr. Anthony! You see, they’d just need to sell us on the idea, the way they sell cornflakes or movies or, um, shitty video games! “New American Fascism, tastes great and 50% fewer calories than other brands”!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me nobody’s listening to this idiot. I really would like to keep hope that, regardless of all evidence to the contrary and in spite of my cynicism, that we have not fallen that far down the abyss that anyone would take this glomming geek seriously.

 

THIS we need?

As if the idea of slogging through another media-driven horse race clusterfun Presidential campaign wasn’t bad enough, with the inevitable competition among the GOP side to see who can be the biggest a-hole and still remain electable, we now have to worry about this:

As he broadcast his doubts, Graham said he might consider running for President himself if he wins his Senate reelection in November.

“If I get through my general election, if nobody steps up in the presidential mix, if nobody’s out there talking — me and [Arizona Republican Sen. John] McCain have been talking — I may just jump in to get to make these arguments,” he said.

Oh, yay, because who’s more adept with Presidential campaigns than Mad Granpa McCain? And what could be more wonderful than month after month of Graham’s nuanced view of foreign affairs?

Maybe we can even get Louie Gomert to run as well! Wheeee! Imagine the fun we will all have.